Video 1 of 3

Remove Barriers To Intimacy

Connect faster with other men!

Video 2 of 3

Say What You Feel!

Build Intimacy Through Communication

When finished, please watch the 3rd video below.

Video 3 of 3

How It Works

Building Long Term Relationships

Welcome To The Family Messenger


Welcome to the Family Messenger - a powerful communication tool built for gay men that helps you create intimacy FAST and helps you connect emotionally with other men for long term relationships including marriage, companionship, and best friends. 

The secondary purpose of the Family Messenger is to guide you through the Social Pathways inside the Big Gay Family Social Program so that you build your "Family of 6" - the main goal of your involvement inside the program.

The Gay Advantage 

Gay men have an advantage when it comes to building relationships. The gender differences do not complicate our relationships the way they complicate the relationships between men and women.  

Theoretically, after removing the issues related to gay shame, gay men should have an easier way with relationships. This belief is the reason why I have worked so hard over the years to find a solution that brings gay men together for healthy long-term relationships.  

Relationship Matrix

In 2012 I had a vision of a Relationship Matrix - a pyramid-like structure that organizes gay men according to their relationship experience and psychological development and guides them through introductions, protocols, and assignments into their "Hero's Journey" of self-discovery and relationship development.  

Your Hero's Journey

For each participant, the involvement inside the Big Gay Family becomes the rite of passage into adulthood, into the relationship-way-of-life that so many gay men want to experience but lack the methodology and pathways to make it happen.

This Hero's Journey, or what sometimes is called the Rite Of Passage, symbolizes the initiation into being a man - it is the final exam on the way to a rich experience of love, relationships, and family life.  

That initiation into being a family-man is the goal of the Big Gay Family Social Program. As a graduate of the program, each man is ready for marriage and has built a social container - Family Of 6 men.

To accomplish that, we need advanced tools for introductions, communication, and learning. The Family Messenger is the latest communication tool to help us self-actualize and pass through the initiation into masculinity and family life.

Current ways of communication and meeting men

Let's now look at the present and see how we communicate with each other. Most gay men would say that they are very disappointed. They would say that most of the gay communication today is toxic. Most gay men would agree that the hookup culture has taken over the entire gay culture and that gay men communicate only through their states of arousal.  

This means that the motivation to be with other men is not based on building permanence - something that is strong and meaningful and that carries you through the dark times - but instead, the motivation is solely based on random moments of sexual arousal and impulsivity.

This creates a cycle of hurt and trauma that always leads to depression and loss of hope for a loving relationship.

Can this style of communication create a marriage?  

Can arousal be the beginning of a beautiful relationship?  

Can authentic relationships be sustained for the long term if they begin inside an impulsive desire?  

Of course not.  

Relationships need clarity, organization, and intelligence. Nobody has ever built anything beautiful out of a spontaneous reaction to an impulse.  

All healthy relationships in your life will be the most complex projects you will ever undertake and to succeed you will need the right tools, attitudes, and lots of practice.  

The challenge to communication

Now, let's look at the biggest challenge to all relationships when it comes to communication - the inability to say what we feel and therefore staying invisible inside relationships.  

To be "seen" inside relationships implies to witness our own emotions and to communicate them to the other person. But this is not as easy, especially for gay men who have no training in emotional communication. 

This is why most gay men feel invisible even though they seem to have contact with other men. 

Emotional Deprivation & Trauma Bonding

Emotional communication is the GLUE that binds human relationships.

Emotional deprivation is what happens when we no longer use emotion and instead substitute sex and pleasure to compensate for it. 

In many cases, in the absence of emotion, the connection is only made through trauma - the hurt and the pain that leads to a sensation of a connection but in fact is abusive.

Most gay men experience trauma bonds instead of authentic bonds in their relationships. Most relationships without healthy emotional bonding are narcissistic relationships that ALWAYS result in pain and disappointment.

Understanding the need for emotional communication is the basis for entering into the world of intimacy and romance.

You are better off in your life when you have a companion with whom you communicate emotionally well, rather than when you have a sexual relationship without emotional exchange.  

You can be happy and fulfilled in the emotional companionship even when sex is moderate. 

You will always be anxious and depressed inside a sexual relationship without a healthy emotional exchange.

Intimacy is what we secretly desire. When the level of intimacy is high, we feel happy, inspired, and connected. When the intimacy level goes down, we feel unloved, unworthy, and lonely. 

When we have no intimacy in our lives we die inside! 

Intimacy, therefore, is the fuel for life!

And it can come from many people, not just a husband or a lover.

This is why the strongest foundation for our psychological health and resilience are the friends and family members we have prior to meeting the primary lover or companion.

The discomfort to confront

The challenge to healthy communication is often the discomfort of confrontation. With the Family Messenger, you can send a complex message without the need to say it directly - avoiding the fear of rejection, confrontation, or mental anguish.

If in the past you felt uncomfortable inside a direct confrontation, the Family Messenger offers you the way to communicate emotional complexity without the anxiety and overwhelm that often comes with it.

With Family Messenger - you can share all emotions, needs, requests, and invitations in a way that creates authentic intimacy and long term bond that will not be easily broken.

If you want marriage and long term relationships - the Family Messenger will show you how lovers communicate and solve problems to give you a preview of what is to come ahead in your family journey.

See you in the program,



  • What Family Messenger?

    Family Messenger helps gay men build intimacy and long term relationships. It offers three channels of intimate communication: confession, apology & invitation.

  • Who is it for?

    Family Messenger is for gay professionals seeking faster ways to connect and build intimacy without the experiences of delays, disrespect and invalidation.

  • How does it work?

    Family Messenger divides all communication into three channels so that you are never confused about how to connect quickly and create authentic intimacy.

  • When do I use it?

    You use the Family Messenger with each person several times a month to practice closeness and a resolve communication issues related to different personality types.

  • Why does it exist?

    Family Messenger helps gay men connect faster and avoid the mistakes related to emotional communication.  It enables men to step out of the ego and into the process of authentic connection.

  • How different is it?

    Family Messenger teaches gay men how to say what they feel so that their relationships are based on understanding, validation and acceptance – instead of just sex.

Frequently Asked Questions

Family Messenger 2020

Does Family Messenger cost money?

No, it is free for all Big Gay Family members.

Where is the link to Family Messenger page?

The link to the Family Messenger is:

How often should I use the Family Messenger?

The recommended use is:  at least 3 messages per month per each introduction.  With each person you should send at least 3 confessions, 3 apologies and 3 invitations before you can say “I know this person”.  Please have fun with this tool and use it often.

What should I do if he doesn't reply within the 3-Day Rule?

When you send a message and he does not reply (call you) within the 3-Day Rule than send another message (General Message) and try again.  If he does not reply the second time than send an email to Paul and we will find out what is happening.

What if he gets upset with my message?

You will not hurt anyone’s feelings or upset anyone when you use the Family Messenger.  All members of the Big Gay Family are aware of the emotional involvement in the program and will not be scared of emotional communication.

When should I use the Family Messenger?

Every time you come across a challenge with the person, you use the Family Messenger to resolve it and move to the next step of the Social Pathway.  This means that there is no limit to the use of the Family Messenger – you can use it every week with every introduction and practice all forms of the communication often – confession, apology and invitation.

Is the use of Family Messenger required?

The use of the Family Messenger is not required but it is recommended.   It is recommended that you use the FM, because it helps you say the “things” that are very difficult to say otherwise.  Family Messenger is an accelerator – it helps you resolve complex situations easily and promptly without the delays associated with emotional ruminating and hesitation.

What is emotional deprivation and why is it important?

Most gay men live in a state of emotional deprivation – similar to what happens inside narcissistic relationships – interactions happen but not on the level of emotion.  This leads to complex psychological issues, mental disorders and difficulty with long term relationships.

Understanding emotional deprivation is crucial because it shows us the side of relationships that we have forgotten about – the emotional part.

For heterosexuals, women help men with emotional issues.  In gay relationships, emotions are often neglected and sex is substituted in its place.

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is a term used to describe the style of a connection inside narcissistic relationships.  Those connections “feel” like they are real but they are based on the trauma and emotional invalidation that is misguided as a sensation of a connection.

Inside trauma-based relationships the person feels a contradiction – sex is great but there is no long-term fit.  Or sex is great, but there is emotional abuse and neglect.