Once you receive your introduction, one person will be the Leader and the other The Participant.  The Leader is responsible for reaching out and for scheduling all interactions.  

To organize calls we recommend you use the service Calendly.  Click below to get a free account:

http://Calendly.com

Once you create your account, you get the link to your calendar.  You share that link with the men you meet through the program.  This way you never miss any calls and they also avoid no-shows by getting reminders.  

It will take you 10 minutes to set this up and it is free to use for our purposes.

Inside Big Gay Family, Introductions include roles.  Once the Introduction goes out, one person is selected to be the Leader and the other as the Participant.   

The Leader is in charge of the structure for the Introduction. This includes initiating the first contact, reaching out weekly and making sure all calls are scheduled.  

The Leader is also responsible for the activation of Extensions and for the creation of Social Contracts.  

Separating the roles into Leader & Participant gives everyone clarity about who is responsible for which part of the Introduction.  Details about the roles are included inside the Introduction email.

Statement of Purpose is used at the beginning of the call to set up a positive "frame" for the interaction.  If the Leader forgets to use it, the Participant reminds the Leader with a phrase "Can we do the Statement of Purpose today?"

Below is the Statement Of Purpose:

Leader:

Welcome to our call. We are here to show up with an open heart & mind. This is an opportunity to learn about each other and connect on a deeper level. By being here we choose to surrender our defenses and enter an authentic space of sharing.

Leader:

I agree.

Participant:

I agree.

Closing statement is used at the end of the calls to finish the call with a positive and uplifting energy.  If the Leader forgets to use it, the Participant reminds the Leader with a phrase "Can we do the Closing Statement today?"

Below is the Closing Statement:

Leader:

Before we finish our Call, let's do the Closing Statement.

Leader:

Thank you for the call today,
Until we talk next...
May you be free from harm and pain.
May you be free of suffering and distress.
May you be well & happy.

Participant:

May you be free of pain and suffering.
May you be healthy and strong.
May you be happy.

Leader:

And so it is.
Goodbye.

Participant:

Goodbye.

The following topics are about merging different ideas together, comparing and seeing the benefits of each. Feel free to use these  topics to deepen the conversations.

 
1. Your Possibility VS. Your Story
2. Winning VS. Connecting
3. Sexual Completion VS Sexual Compatibility
4. From Scripted To Authentic Self-Expression
5. Goals VS. Hope
6. Sexual Pleasure VS. Pleasure From Relatedness
7. Waiting For Love VS. Creating Love
8. Eternal Life Vs. Death
9. Prioritizing Sex VS. Prioritizing Love
10. Arousal Vs. Relatedness.
11. Direct Conflicts VS. Passive Aggression
12. Your Current Self VS. Your Ideal Self
13. Your Romantic Needs Vs. Your Romantic Fantasies
14. Your Sexual Needs Vs. Your Sexual Fantasies
15. Focus On Experience Vs. Focus On Outcome

The following Beyond The Basics topics are opportunities for long discussions and explorations of the meaning of gay life.  Feel free to use these topics during your Calls. 

1. Why do gay men exist?
2. Who are you on a deeper level?
3. What is your connection to the divine?
4. What is your favorite childhood story to share?
5. What happens after death?
6. What is your purpose in life?
7. Why is sex so complicated most of the time?
8. If sex “went out of fashion” – what would happen with
love?
9. What is the purpose of gay sex – pleasure or function?
10. What is a sexual persona?
11. How would you describe your identity?
12. What was it like to be with your parents when you were a kid?

Communication Codes (CC Codes) are shortcuts to communication.  They restore positive flow of intimacy with your partner at moments that require feedback and clarity.   When you feel "stuck" or bored with the interactions, you can use the CC Codes to communicate your intention.

CC Codes enable you to share your intention at critical moments of bonding so that you connect instead of walking away.  

Explanation for each Code:

Code 10 (Status)

Use this code when there is uncertainty or ambiguity regarding the progress of the Introduction, and you seek clarification on the next steps. Generally, it is the Participant who sends Code 10 to the Leader, requesting the Leader to provide clarity and intentionality regarding the subsequent actions. Conversely, the Leader may also send this code to the Participant when they require confirmation regarding the next steps. This code serves as a means to initiate an open conversation and ensure that both parties are aligned on the course of action moving forward. By utilizing Code 10, participants can address any confusion or lack of clarity, promoting effective communication and progress in the Introduction.

Code 22 (Checking In)

Use this code to inquire about the well-being of the other person. By sending Code 22, you are seeking confirmation that they are doing well and that everything is alright. The response to Code 22 can be either Code 89, indicating that all is well, or Code 55, which signifies that something is wrong and requires attention. This code establishes a connection to ensure the other person's welfare and enables them to communicate any concerns or issues they may be facing. It serves as a check-in to prioritize their emotional state and promotes open communication for support and resolution if needed.

Code 33 (Let's Continue)

Use this code to communicate to the other person your intention to continue. It serves as a confirmation that you are willing to move forward and maintain the connection. This code becomes particularly useful after a disagreement, missing a call, or making a mistake. Its purpose is to reassure the other person that you have a desire for continuity, even in the face of temporary interruptions or unforeseen circumstances. Feel free to utilize this code multiple times to emphasize your commitment to moving forward and ensuring the connection remains intact.

Code 55 (Something Is Wrong)

Use this code to express to the other person that there is a matter that requires discussion. It is important to utilize this code frequently to address the fear of intimacy, which pertains to the reluctance in sharing inner conflicts that arise within us. By using this code, it opens the door for both individuals to engage in a discussion concerning inner conflicts, fostering an environment conducive to resolution and personal growth. It serves as a catalyst for open dialogue to promote understanding and seek solutions for any internal struggles.

Code 59 (Initiate Reset)

Use this code to initiate a Reset of the introduction in the event of a mistake or when the initial First Impression did not meet expectations. Code 59 can be employed by either the Leader or the Participant, signifying a fresh opportunity for the Introduction. In this scenario, the Leader takes the helm and initiates all activities while the Participant willingly embraces and follows their suggestions. This code enables a new beginning, allowing for a more favorable and successful interaction between both parties.

Code 77 (Red Zone)

Use this code when you encounter feelings of Abandonment, Ambivalence, Sexualization, Devaluation, Power, or Control. Its purpose is to remind the other person that you are currently in the Red Zone and that it is critical for both parties to schedule a call to address this matter as soon as possible. In response to Code 77, the appropriate reply would be Code 33, indicating that you should proceed with the conversation and determine a suitable time to discuss the issue.

Code 89 (All is Well)

Use this code to convey that everything is alright and to grant the other person a fresh start. By using Code 89, you signify that all past grievances, errors, and negative encounters are to be forgotten, offering a clean slate filled with positive anticipation for future endeavors. This code serves as an opportunity to provide the person with another chance following a mistake or a negative experience. You can also use this code as a general "All is well" statement without any negative experiences in the past.

Code 91 (Override)

Use this code when a miscommunication occurs and you wish to provide an alternative explanation for what happened, differing from the previous explanation. Use this code when you take longer to process social cues and require additional time for self-awareness to consider a new perspective and an alternative interpretation. Implement this code to "take back" your previous statement and offer an alternative explanation once sufficient time has passed.

When gay men hurt each other, they create Trauma. To avoid this level of hurt, we identified the behaviors that create Trauma and we call them the Red Zone. 

Red Zone is a dysfunctional communication zone where Trauma is ALWAYS occurring. Once you enter into Red Zone, the relationship is likely going to be impacted. 

To prevent that, you do your best to avoid RED ZONE BEHAVIORS and if they do happen, you let your partner know immediately by sending him CC Code 77. 

Inside Big Gay Family, we list 5 behaviors that create Trauma and they should be avoided at all costs.   

1. Abandonment (walking away without closure)
2. Ambivalence (not caring about his feelings)
3. Sexualization (turning men into sexual objects)
4. Devaluation (making someone feel less than)
5. Power/Control (not surrendering)

When Red Zone happens, apologies will be facilitated with the NVC framework and equilibrium will be restored.  Please watch the tutorials to learn more about Communication Zones And Communication Codes.

Link to tutorials

Initially, once you receive your introduction, you start with weekly calls.  You want to be able to contain 3 calls within 30 days while On The Bridge so that the connection can build.

Once you enter into Extensions, you can switch to bi-weekly calls instead of weekly calls. 

As you receive more and more introductions, you will be compelled to organize your calls so that with some men you talk weekly and others every 2 weeks and some once a month or once every 60 days. 

To avoid accidental rejections and abandonment, we instituted a policy for the decision about continuity. 

Instead of telling each other whether you want to continue or not, you delegate those decisions to the coaching calls so that each introduction is protected by 3rd party witnessing.

This is one of the most important rules in the program.  This rule helps us put an end to the Trauma-Cycle and restores a feeling of safety when meeting other members.

All decisions about Continuity happen inside the Coaching Calls to avoid self-sabotage & exposure to Shame & Trauma.  The Coach serves as the witness to the decisions about the direction of all relationships you are building inside BGF.