Watch This Video First

What to do after the First 3 Calls.

Friends,

In this video, you will discover powerful ideas that will guarantee an immediate transformation in love and friendships. 

Note:

These ideas will not work in the public domain because in the public domain, there is no oversight, no principles, and no ethics. The ideas from this video will only work inside a private social space protected by roles similar to Community Leaders, Guardians, and Gate Keepers.

Summary of main ideas:

A relationship exists inside a container separate from each person. Your relationship is not inside you, nor it is not inside him. A relationship is a third living entity that gets created by adherence to a specific structure (sequence and design) of interactions.  

This third entity is created inside your imagination (fantasy) first and then translated into meaning. Each gay man has a fantasy about what a relationship should be like and how it is supposed to happen. And because each fantasy is highly subjective with high variability of arousal - two fantasies can't merge - ever. Our deeply private fantasies are tools of self-discovery, not tools of relatedness.  

Instead of merging fantasies - we need to release them. Once the fantasy is released, a gay man can legitimately pursue relationships. If the fantasy is not released, the man will experience contradictions and instability in every relationship.

Metaphysically speaking, a relationship is the closest contact with reality. When we say we seek relationships, we are seeking the most visceral experience of reality - which is found inside a complex human interaction.   

Human beings (when healthy) will always seek relationships because, for 100,000+ years, a group-mind was the method of experiencing reality. We are not made for being single and this is why we suffer so much when we are single.

Inside a healthy relationship, our senses "duplicate" themselves. We see the world through the eyes of the other person and we interpret the world through their beliefs. Instead of one perspective, we suddenly have several - all because of the presence of another person.

Life becomes more exciting because we live through two minds simultaneously. Inside a real community, the person's experience of reality gets multiplied by the number of participants.  

Our perception of reality depends on the number of people we experience reality through. Inside a group, such perception is called the group mind. A group mind has been the standard relationship model in human history.

Modern culture has deprived everyone of access to the group-mind. Inside Big Gay Family, we are rebuilding it. 

At the beginning, everything is a fantasy for a gay man. This insight is essential to the understanding of how love connects with sex. A man's brain is built for fantasies and visual evaluations. All gay men start out in the world of fantasy when they think of their lovers and sex. Sexual fantasies are potent cognitive activities that are important during adolescence and young adulthood as a means of perceiving reality and as a way to calibrate the senses of self-perception and bodily sensations.  

However, as we get older, those fantasies prevent us from experiencing real relationships. It is the job of every gay man to accept his sexual fantasies as a starting point and to gradually align them with authentic and genuine interactions. This process is automatic inside a healthy community like Big Gay Family. It does not happen inside a public setting anymore.

Developmentally speaking, by the age of 40, a gay man should be free from all sexual fantasies and be ready to pursue legitimate relationships that have no dependency on sexual preferences/techniques.  

It is essential to mention one more ingredient of sexual fantasies. Because gay men grow up in a context of shame and public judgment, many sexual fantasies are projections of shame and self-judgments. And because most gay interactions occur inside the sexual context, it is sex that becomes the mirror for shame, guilt, and self-judgment.  

This is how we are unconsciously turned on by hurting others, or by destroying ourselves inside sexual activities. Also, many sexual fantasies include aggressive and non-committal sexual acts that violate the inner child of the other person.  

Aggression, ambivalence, anonymous sex, power & control through sexual acts - all those things are created by shame and low self-esteem. None of those acts can be present inside a loving relationship.

Usually, in the presence of frequent interactions inside a healthy and strong community of men - those ideas that started out in a fantasy get translated into reality fast. Inside a healthy community, a gay man has 10-20 high-quality interactions every month. Inside those interactions his ideas about love, sex and marriage will be questioned, tested and re-aligned. Good ideas will stay, bad ideas will be rejected. This is how a gay man becomes ready for love and relationships.

Without being part of a community and in the absence of frequent interactions (today's world) with other men where fantasy can be validated or invalidated - the fantasy produces roots and becomes hypnotic. This is how most gay men in their 40's and 50's still are looking to "get fucked" instead of looking for a real, legitimate relationship. 

Gay men are hypnotized by their sexual/lover fantasies because nobody questioned them since childhood. After years of living through those fantasies, a man loses sight of the legitimate pathway towards love and relationships. He instead lives inside a dreamlike expectation of a love affair that will never happen. He has become imprisoned by his own mind, by his fantasy-like attraction and sexual impulses.  

The journey from a fantasy world to the REAL world of love and relationships can be painful. Gay men have been conditioned to prioritize sex over emotion, to focus on genitalia instead of the intellect, to allow deception (closeted men, bisexual men) instead of truth, to promote drag queens (identity dysmorphia) instead of ambition, to trivialize GOD (using the pretext of organized religion) instead of getting empowered by GOD.

All gay men who neglect to enter a community will never succeed in relationships because the means to de-condition them and to rebuild the authentic mechanisms for relatedness are not available in the public domain anymore.  

The social environment in the public domain no longer provides the possibility to repair all damage done by the gay culture (the gay scene).

Using structure to move from Fantasy/Hypnosis to Reality:

To make a relationship real, we must overlay structure on top of the interactions. The structure consists of the principles and rules that shape the interactions. The proof that someone can follow rules is very powerful. This is why across millennia men have constructed hierarchies based on rules. By seeing other men follow rules we feel safe and connected. When we see other men break rules, we immediately withdraw and distrust.  

The structure aligns a person towards productive socializing. Outside of structure, interactions are impulsive and easily affected by sexual arousal. The structure protects everyone from sexual arousal and keeps the interactions on track with long term goals (marriage, best friend, lover).

Without this structure, interactions are affected by feelings and impulses (which come from the fantasy world). All feelings and impulses are highly variable - they cannot be used as tools for creating a connection. All feelings and impulses need to be controlled by each person during the first moment of contact with another man. 

Once trust is established and the relationship container is built - feelings and impulses can return. 

Advanced concepts covered in the video are:

  1. Holding Space
  2. Abandoning Form
  3. Removing Projections

Enjoy the video and the introductions,

Paul Angelo

Community Leader

For your convenience I included a link to the Guide To Introductions For BGF 2020.